Small Congregations FAQs
Resources for Small Congregations
FAQs About Conflict
At what point in a conflict in the congregation should I contact a district staff person for help?
If conversation among the parties involved in a difficult situation is either not possible or has not brought them closer to resolution, please, contact your district staff long before it becomes a crisis.
It sometimes helps to get an outside perspective which staff are glad to help provide, and it may be helpful for staff to come work directly with the congregation. The more in advance of a crisis you ask for outside support, the less likely the conflict is to become a crisis.
I am discouraged that there is conflict in a congregation. Shouldn’t we all be getting along?
Many of us believe that a congregation should be different from every other organization and should not be in conflict. It might help to remember that people come to congregations looking for important things; connection and a sense of belonging, a deeper sense of meaning, a spiritual home and so on. If people feel these are at risk, the stakes become quite high in a congregational conflict.
In addition, we come to congregations not because we are “evolved”, but to learn to live together our beliefs and values. A congregation is a good place to learn the skills of conflict engagement and transformation.
Conflict Transformation – Conflict is normal. Getting stuck in or avoiding conflict can cause long-term damage. It is possible to engage conflict in ways that help deepen a sense of who we are, strengthen connection to one another, and better equip us to live with integrity in the diversity we value.
Engaging conflict in a positive way generally requires that leaders not respond out of (understandable) stress, but in calm ways. Check out materials on self-differentiated leadership.
An Email Tip – too many congregations find themselves in conflict that has been inflated through email. It is wise to create a policy for email use among your leadership. In general, because with email we miss intonation and body language that can create context for a comment, do not use email to communicate anything that has emotional content.
What about covenants and policies relevant to conflict?
It is best to get these policies in place when the congregation is not in conflict. Otherwise, the creation of the policy will likely be experienced as a manipulation or even weapon by someone in the conflict.
- Congregational covenant
Congregations and Boards that have adopted clear covenants and make them visible (poster on wall, in order or service, in newsletters) have guidance for how they intend to behave with one another. Having this tells members and guests alike that there is an expectation for how we hope to be with each other, and gives the congregation members a way to invite each other back into covenant when they stray away from it.
http://www.uua.org/documents/congservices/visionmissioncovenant.pdf - Behavioral Covenant
A behavior covenant is a statement of how a congregation agrees to be with one another. One of the gifts of small congregations and fellowships is their emphasis on relationship. Many function as a close-knit group of caring people. Yet a behavioral convenant can support a small congregation to weather difficulties that can come from unanticipated pressures inside or outside of the community. The Congregational Handbook (pp 50-58) offers very helpful information, including sample covenants, that is applicable to small congregations. http://www.uua.org/documents/congservices/visionmissioncovenant.pdf - Disruptive Behavior Policy
Small Congregations will often do everything they can to help people stay within the congregation. There are times, however, when an individual needs guidelines to help them live within the behavioral covenant. A Disruptive Behavior Policy adopted by the lay leadership before there is a problem, creates a clear procedure to follow when one person may intentionally or unintentionally act in ways that are hurtful to the community. This site gives good direction and at least one sample policy.
A Few Resources for Conflict Engagement and Transformation:
UUA web site. Look at the way the entire system of the congregation tends to be in relationship to conflict. Reading about congregational dynamics could be helpful.
Books:
Holy Conversations, by Alice Mann and Gilbert Rendle, available from the Alban Institute, includes ways congregations can resolve issues with a minimum of conflict.
Polarity Management by Barry Johnson available via your local bookstore. At times conflicts reflect the pressure between two tendencies that need to be balanced (rather than fixed). This is a very helpful way of thinking about conflicts that tend to come around often (old vs new ways of doing things, individual vs group responsibility, etc)